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A Modest Proposal For Preventing People on Bike and On Foot From Being a Burden to Motorists or the District, and For making them Beneficial to the Public

In the past week, there have been two deaths as a result of traffic violence in the District of Columbia. Last Friday, Dave Salovesh was killed when a driver crashed a stolen vehicle into him at high speed, crushing him and his bicycle on Florida Ave NE. On Easter Sunday, Abdul Seck was killed when a car collided with another vehicle and crushed him at the intersection of V & 16th SE.

In the immediate aftermath of Abdul’s death, the city striped two crosswalks and added stop signs to make the intersection a four-way stop. All it took was a single death, and DDOT was quick to jump into action. The above tweet summarizes DDOT’s position well: when there is a loss of life, the agency reacts swiftly and with conviction to protect citizens.

Last year, when Jeffrey Hammond Long was killed by a vehicle making a right turn without yielding, DDOT responded by installing flexposts at the intersection to help prevent the same situation from killing another person.

In light of this unofficial policy, I propose we allow a single pedestrian or person on a bicycle to be murdered by a person driving a car at each of the city’s 7,700 intersections within the District.

By strategically placing people at each intersection throughout the city and allowing them to be murdered by the inattention of drivers and the lack of proper infrastructure, we can help make the general public aware of this public safety crisis. To ensure the proper outrage, we must ensure that all the victims are wealthy and white. Only then, will public officials be held accountable.

It’s a win-win because Mayor Bowser, members of the Council, and Director Marootian can appear responsive to constituents. And only at the expense of 1% of the population! Further, it satisfies critics who argue that the city favors incremental improvements rather than immediate action. It benefits people driving vehicles because the quality infrastructure allows them to continue texting while driving without worrying about having to kill someone, only themselves. Finally, MPD can continue to ignore traffic enforcement while they prioritize solving murders and violent crime in the District.

Regardless of whether we drive, use the Metro, ride the bus, pedal a bicycle or walk, we are all pedestrians at some point throughout our day-to-day lives. And we all likely know someone who has been the victim of some form of traffic violence. The family member or loved one killed by a drunk driver, on some slippery or icy road, or a freak accident.

I ask that you consider this modest proposal: kill 1% of the population to dramatically improve the lives of the other 99%.